N
Nobody's Nothing
Guest
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked
eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along.
Don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the
Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
-------------------------
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
---------------------------
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore.
In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since
the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
---------------------------
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed
to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each
will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay
men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
---------------------------
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus! Even if the
anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation
to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
---------------------------
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at
Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table
farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar
only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings,
too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
---------------------------
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness.
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the mental health facility. In
the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked
eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
along.
Don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the
Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time;
however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
-------------------------
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
---------------------------
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
Only," you won't be anonymous anymore.
In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since
the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
---------------------------
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed
to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each
will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay
men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
---------------------------
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus! Even if the
anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation
to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
---------------------------
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at
Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table
farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar
only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings,
too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing
them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
---------------------------
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness.
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the mental health facility. In
the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
