So I went to my psych a week ago.I told him I`ve been up and down.At one moment I can`t stop crying and the next I`m laughing like crazy.I`ve been told that they never know what kind of mood I`m going to wake up in.He put me back on the med that I went off cold turkey.The withdrawal symptoms were hell.I`m glad I`m back on it along with my anti anxiety med and my other crazy med.He also upped one of the doses of meds.He told me it was to prevent me from having a manic episode.That was exactly how he put it.I am getting used to it again.It`s really odd for me to feel sleepy in the middle of the afternoon but there you go.Before I started on this course of treatment I could go for up to two days without sleep.Perhaps that`s an improvement.For someone like me anyway.
Maybe when this all becomes steady I would like to do something good with my life.My psych wants me to see a therapist also but I`m not so sure.I really have a difficult time speaking with people(even on the phone).I always become tongue tied and I can`t think of anything to say.I don`t know why this is so hard for me.It`s much easier for to write things down.It`s really difficult for me to handle my emotions.I bottle up everything inside till I explode.I can`t handle the pain so I end up doing something destructive .That means hurting myself.I hadn`t given in for such a long time.Then I gave in again.I tried so hard.I didn`t want to see the disappointed faces again.I didn`t want all the sharp things and candle lighters to be hidden from me again because they thought I might hurt myself again.I want to better.I want them to trust me again.I don`t want to be considered unreliable.
I`ve been told I am resistant to change and that I do not handle it well.It`s true I do find comfort in familiar things.I really am a creature of habit.I`ve been told I need to leave the house more by pretty much everybody.I guess I like feeling safe in my little corner of the world.
****************************************************
First Fig
My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes and oh, my friends-
It gives a lovely light,
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Maybe when this all becomes steady I would like to do something good with my life.My psych wants me to see a therapist also but I`m not so sure.I really have a difficult time speaking with people(even on the phone).I always become tongue tied and I can`t think of anything to say.I don`t know why this is so hard for me.It`s much easier for to write things down.It`s really difficult for me to handle my emotions.I bottle up everything inside till I explode.I can`t handle the pain so I end up doing something destructive .That means hurting myself.I hadn`t given in for such a long time.Then I gave in again.I tried so hard.I didn`t want to see the disappointed faces again.I didn`t want all the sharp things and candle lighters to be hidden from me again because they thought I might hurt myself again.I want to better.I want them to trust me again.I don`t want to be considered unreliable.
I`ve been told I am resistant to change and that I do not handle it well.It`s true I do find comfort in familiar things.I really am a creature of habit.I`ve been told I need to leave the house more by pretty much everybody.I guess I like feeling safe in my little corner of the world.
****************************************************
First Fig
My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes and oh, my friends-
It gives a lovely light,
Edna St. Vincent Millay
