Tricky situation

[Cassius]

Okay, so my mom has been off and on with her husband for the past five years. They've been divorced once. He's mentally abusive and has been phsysically abusive to my mother and he was mentally abusive to me. I have a strong suspicion he uses crystal meth.

Anyway, about once a year they break up and move out or he kicked us out, and a couple of years ago they got divorced and remarried within months. Well, my mother divorcing him again and she is buying a house.

I'm sick of it. I don't live there anymore, but my brother does and he has to go through this all over again. I love my mother very very very much but she is not mentally stable. She would never hurt my brother but I'm concerned about them living together by himself because of her mental problems. Not to mention my brother has told me that if they end up getting together, he's not going back.

So what the hell do I do?

 

[paintavulgarpicture]

It's funny because you always expect adults like your parents to always know the right thing to do or the right decision to make. However, as you get older and older you realise that even your parents make mistakes or bad decisions. All I can say that from my point of view it always seems to be the children that suffer the most during divorces and upheavals as stability is something that people need at home. All I would suggest is to be there for your brother as much as you can (not doubting that you don't do that already). Make sure he knows that you are always there, and if needs be, perhaps let him stay with you for a while if he would feel more comfortable doing so.

Same goes for your mum, shes obviously having a difficult time dealing with her own problems and you need to provide her with support for that. It may ease the pressure on you if you perhaps referred her to get some sort of counselling or outside help - if she keeps letting the same man back into her life she is probably feeling extremely insecure. It takes a lot of guts and courage to turn your back on a relationship and completely end that part of your life and move on, whereas its easier just to cave in and go back to something that you always have.

I hope everything works out for the best.

 

[oye terence]

do you have any room at your place for him?, that is a tough situation and i'm sorry to hear it.

 

[Cassius]

It's funny because you always expect adults like your parents to always know the right thing to do or the right decision to make. However, as you get older and older you realise that even your parents make mistakes or bad decisions. All I can say that from my point of view it always seems to be the children that suffer the most during divorces and upheavals as stability is something that people need at home. All I would suggest is to be there for your brother as much as you can (not doubting that you don't do that already). Make sure he knows that you are always there, and if needs be, perhaps let him stay with you for a while if he would feel more comfortable doing so.

Same goes for your mum, shes obviously having a difficult time dealing with her own problems and you need to provide her with support for that. It may ease the pressure on you if you perhaps referred her to get some sort of counselling or outside help - if she keeps letting the same man back into her life she is probably feeling extremely insecure. It takes a lot of guts and courage to turn your back on a relationship and completely end that part of your life and move on, whereas its easier just to cave in and go back to something that you always have.

I hope everything works out for the best.

Thank you.

I would love for my brother to come and live with me, but I'm not sure I could afford for him to. I'm only 19. I am having a very difficult time finding a job, and I'm starting school again in a few months, and bf and I can barely afford to feed ourselves right now.

I'm also worried because my mother is suicidal at times, and when I lived with her I could shield my brother from it. But now I live an hour away and I can't do it anymore.

 

[Cassius]

do you have any room at your place for him?, that is a tough situation and i'm sorry to hear it.

He's in school (he's twelve). If I took him out of his old school, and he started going to school here, and maybe went to the other one later would that affect his education badly? Or would it not matter?

 

[oye terence]

He's in school (he's twelve). If I took him out of his old school, and he started going to school here, and maybe went to the other one later would that affect his education badly? Or would it not matter?

i don't think it would effect him, i went to a private school then a public school and other than it can be a pain to do the actual transfer and sometimes hard as you lose friends and you are new, it is not really a big deal.
but as for actual education there should be no problem.
i would ask him.

 

[Cassius]

i don't think it would effect him, i went to a private school then a public school and other than it can be a pain to do the actual transfer and sometimes hard as you lose friends and you are new, it is not really a big deal.
but as for actual education there should be no problem.
i would ask him.

I don't see how this could happen though. I'm sure my brother would want to live with me, I don't doubt that. But I highly doubt my mom would give up her parental rights, so I don't think I could adopt him. Even if I could, I can't afford for him to live with me. I can't pay for his insurance, school clothes, food, school supplies...I can't do that. I don't even have insurance. Not to mention, I live with my bf, and as much as he likes my brother him living with us is another story. He wouldn't mind (if he did I don't think I'd stick around), but we just got out on our own.

I just don't see how it could work.

 

[WinkWink]

He's in school (he's twelve). If I took him out of his old school, and he started going to school here, and maybe went to the other one later would that affect his education badly? Or would it not matter?

he's about to start high school is he not? so it doesn't matter that much if he moves.

 

[Cassius]

he's about to start high school is he not? so it doesn't matter that much if he moves.

No, he's twelve. He'll be starting junior high.

 

[oye terence]

I don't see how this could happen though. I'm sure my brother would want to live with me, I don't doubt that. But I highly doubt my mom would give up her parental rights, so I don't think I could adopt him. Even if I could, I can't afford for him to live with me. I can't pay for his insurance, school clothes, food, school supplies...I can't do that. I don't even have insurance. Not to mention, I live with my bf, and as much as he likes my brother him living with us is another story. He wouldn't mind (if he did I don't think I'd stick around), but we just got out on our own.

I just don't see how it could work.

it is a tough sitution i am sure, and probably not any easy fixes,maybe have him come over a lot, fun sleepovers with his big sis would be enjoyable i am sure,and just keep an eye on the situation.i am no expert though, i do not have any siblings.
i hope is all works out for the best though.

 

[vicarinatutugal]

I don't see how this could happen though. I'm sure my brother would want to live with me, I don't doubt that. But I highly doubt my mom would give up her parental rights, so I don't think I could adopt him. Even if I could, I can't afford for him to live with me. I can't pay for his insurance, school clothes, food, school supplies...I can't do that. I don't even have insurance. Not to mention, I live with my bf, and as much as he likes my brother him living with us is another story. He wouldn't mind (if he did I don't think I'd stick around), but we just got out on our own.

I just don't see how it could work.

It looks like you are just going to have to let your mother and him get on with it, it will be a worry, hopefully you can visit and stuff but at the end of the day, your mother has to have a shot at this. You could encourage your brother to come visit with you and stuff so he gets a break being at home. It is hard when it turns out you are "parenting" your parent but basically I see it that you can not afford to have your brother so he has to stay where he is. There are other agencies that can give input I am sure, although I am not too sure what they will be in your brothers area, such as after school groups and stuff, if he keeps busy in clubs and that he might get some motivation to settle where ever him and your mother move to. It is a hard situation but one I think you have to let your mother deal with.

 

[paintavulgarpicture]

Yeah I agree with vicarinatutugal with encouragng to come over so he gets a break. Obviously considering your circumstances having him come live with you full time is going to be difficult, plus like you said, your mum would have to give up her parenting duties, and that may cause her some offence and upset, people don't always like other people thinking that they can't cope.
In this case, maybe just have your brother come stay with you on weekends? That way he can get away for a break for a couple of days, but be at home during the week in order so he can go to school, etc.

However, of course your brother being at home with your mum all week is going to be a worry. Thats why I still advise that you should get some help for your mum. Parenting a parent is a very difficult job for someone to do, especially at 19. You have your own issues, and you can't do it by yourself. Your mum will be proud to have a daughter who is so keen to take responsibility for their younger siblings and help wherever is needed.

For your brother, hopefully your care and support will help to give him what he needs.

 

[Cassius]

Thank you for the advice everyone.

@ paintavulgarpicture: My mom actually has gotten some psychiatric help, she takes meds and everything. It's just that sometimes she can't control her swings. I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt this time, though (although maybe I shouldn't, but she is my mom.)

And by the way, turns out I helped cause the divorce. No, my mom isn't blaming me or anything, but there was an incident involving me and the bf that really pissed her off and made her get into a big fight with ex-step.

 

[troubleluvsme]

That's a toughie Cassius. My son is twelve, and I really feel for what you're going through...like I've said before, you are wise beyond your years.

I think it is extremely important for you to maintain a close relationship with him...so that he knows he can call you anytime for any reason. Make sure he keeps a level head....Keep an eye on the situation, and have a good talk with your Mom too.

 

[bogdana]

suffering a similar (but different) situation, I feel your pain. I asked my brother to move in with me several times, but he wont.
I wish I had an answer for you. But it just sucks. When I have more than six brain cells working at one time, I'll try and have an in depth convo with you about it. TOnight though, I'm finished!