My Dearest Love, Morrissey -
Certain People I Know at my university asked me if I could make you a delicious vegan triple-layer chocolate cake for your birthday. I told them I'd Love To and I Just Want To See The Boy Happy, but I'm not really much of a baker. They said just Do Your Best And Don't Worry, so since Action Is My Middle Name, I got right to work. I got it in the oven and smugly thought now I can Stretch Out And Wait until In The Future When All's Well. Ha. When the timer went off, I opened the oven door and a humongous Black Cloud billowed out and I thought oh Dear God Please Help Me, I Know It's Over-baked! Of course it was, but I frosted it anyway and was carefully carrying it downstairs, but since the Staircase At The University is steep and rather treacherous, I slipped and so did the cake and then I sadly noticed that The Edges Are No Longer Parallel. Some Smiler With Knife came along and tried to even things up, but the cake looked just terrible and I knew you'd be truly Disappointed, truly, truly, truly. So I guess if anybody wants that cake, they will have to Drag The River, because that's where it ended up. By the time I could make you another cake, it'll be Tomorrow, May 23rd and It's Not Your Birthday Anymore, so please Forgive Someone (me) and know that Whatever Happens I Love You (I really do), and I wish you a very, very Happy Birthday anyway! XOXOXO