I am so miserable.
For so many reasons.
And I am completely unable to do very much about it right this moment, thus, compounding the misery, exponentially.
I totally had a meltdown this morning.
After being let down yesterday, AGAIN, by someone I trusted, this morning, I was in no frame of mind to be tolerant of someone else's fragile scope of the world.
Not willing to entertain anymore delusions for the sake of peace. And absolutely not going to endure over the top melodrama over something so f***ing petty, I would not dare to type it in a public forum.
So, I behaved as myself instead of this person I am over here in the interest of my personal safety and well being.
And, lo, I sit here in agony from the encounter.
I left a mark, today, though.
I got a lick in. Not literally, but a metaphorical blow with a symbolic gesture that took about an hour and a half to clean up.
I don't mind cleaning when I made the mess.
And my reaction as ME was shocking enough, it was like a bomb that puts out a fire, because it was all over but the sweeping and hoovering, (and a lot of crying by me).
Nothing is on a firm foundation in my world.
The whole estate is built on a fault and everything shakes and falls to the floor on a regular basis.
I am so tired of this. And, the thing with me is this, when I make a change, it's the equivalent of a life reboot.
I make one big change, and it subsequently changes everything else. Economy of action.
(Here's something to listen to....
I was listening to this when I was editing this.)
I do manage to weather these huge life changes much better than most people do.
For example, there was a point in my life about nine years ago where I had just been through nearly dying and recovering from a radical emergency surgery, was coming off of pain management drugs, going through a court case, a divorce, moving countries and cultures and changing languages, changing jobs, cars, starting a relationship with someone else, getting pregnant, and ultimately, nearly being killed in a horrifying attack in Mexico. (By the person I'd just placed all my trust and faith in and made all these changes for in the first place.) My psychiatrist sat across from me reading off the list he'd made of all these aforementioned major life changes that have been known to push people to suicide
with only one of them happening. He said, "I am sitting here, looking at someone going through the highest stress causing life changes known to my profession. You're off the charts. I have never known anyone who was going through so many catastrophic events at once."
I asked him, because I was handling it all just fine, if he thought I was coping effectively with all of it or if I was repressing and saving up for a big breakdown or something. He just laughed and said, "No, I'd say you're coping, monumentally well. You're coping better with all of this than you were with the static state of things before all of these changes."
And it was true. I was coping frighteningly well. When I cope, it scares the shit out me. I don't ever expect to be able to cope with life's massive events, yet, I always do.
Granted, I have bit of residue from some things that have transpired that scarred me, somewhat. I now react a particular way to things that strike me as similar situations. But, overall, I have been through some very ugly stuff that I just dealt with and moved on.
I have always had the ability to move on.
But now, I am stuck.
I finally managed to get myself wedged into a spot that I can't get out of.
If I don't get help with getting un-stuck, I will decline.
Further.
Or, at least, that is my fear.
In reality, I will probably be just fine and get it all worked out. I'm just at a place in the path where I can't see that. I am actually off the path, which is the chief problem, anyway.
This is going to sound silly, but I put a great deal of stock in how humans are affected by variables in gravitational and magnetic forces. We experience changes from altitude, and I experience things differently at different latitudes and longitudes, as well as being aware of gravity and magnetism.
Most people don't put the coinciding aspects of occurrences together. Most people don't have access to the information on such things, and have never tracked these coinciding elements to determine that there were any perceptible details there to be considered.
I'm weird like that.
I started noticing that I would feel differently when I came near a broadcasting signal. We were working with scanners and it got to be a little "in" joke that I could find a signal before the scanner perceived it.
I would be driving along and just suddenly say, "GOT ONE!" and then a few seconds later, the scanner would bling and light up.
I never missed. I had 100% efficacy.
Of course, we couldn't rely on me to get the other details of the frequency. I couldn't tell how strong it was, I couldn't tell you what it was broadcasting, aside from the specific frequency. Like, I couldn't say what data was going across the broadcast, of course. And the software could. But, it was a cool little parlour trick, and it just further cements that I do have a verifiable sensitivity to
quirky little things like that.
I don't ever "sense" anything else, though.
Sometimes, I fail to sense or make any sense of, things going on right in my own square foot of personal space.
But, isn't it handy to be able to pick up a radio frequency?! I wonder when I will EVER f***ING NEED THAT SKILL AGAIN!!
I could have used something like, oh, I dunno, the ability to "sense" the freakin' lotto numbers when it rolls over week after week. Or, maybe even something practical like, "DON'T GO OUT WITH THIS GUY, EVER!!!"
Knowing when to leave and when to shut the hell up would have also been quite appreciated.
Yeah, I'm special, so special.
I'm special needs.
Life isn't really supposed to be this shitty.
But, life also isn't really supposed to be as utterly extraordinary as it has been for me, either.
No extreme highs without painfully low descents.
No gifts or talents without the counter-balancing subtractions and deficits.
Nature at least has a readable doctrine of signatures, a method to it's often seeming madness.
That will have to be enough, for now.
I guess I just get this adolescent level of "pissed off" because I honestly expected to get better at managing things mentally with practice and age.
The truth is, life is fraught with difficulties throughout it's entirety. The subjects may shift about, the circumstances will differ, but there is always a guaranteed struggle. Somewhere. In everything.
I shall release you.
If you're still reading, have my apologies and gratitude.
For so many reasons.
And I am completely unable to do very much about it right this moment, thus, compounding the misery, exponentially.
I totally had a meltdown this morning.
After being let down yesterday, AGAIN, by someone I trusted, this morning, I was in no frame of mind to be tolerant of someone else's fragile scope of the world.
Not willing to entertain anymore delusions for the sake of peace. And absolutely not going to endure over the top melodrama over something so f***ing petty, I would not dare to type it in a public forum.
So, I behaved as myself instead of this person I am over here in the interest of my personal safety and well being.
And, lo, I sit here in agony from the encounter.
I left a mark, today, though.
I got a lick in. Not literally, but a metaphorical blow with a symbolic gesture that took about an hour and a half to clean up.
I don't mind cleaning when I made the mess.
And my reaction as ME was shocking enough, it was like a bomb that puts out a fire, because it was all over but the sweeping and hoovering, (and a lot of crying by me).
Nothing is on a firm foundation in my world.
The whole estate is built on a fault and everything shakes and falls to the floor on a regular basis.
I am so tired of this. And, the thing with me is this, when I make a change, it's the equivalent of a life reboot.
I make one big change, and it subsequently changes everything else. Economy of action.
(Here's something to listen to....
I was listening to this when I was editing this.)
I do manage to weather these huge life changes much better than most people do.
For example, there was a point in my life about nine years ago where I had just been through nearly dying and recovering from a radical emergency surgery, was coming off of pain management drugs, going through a court case, a divorce, moving countries and cultures and changing languages, changing jobs, cars, starting a relationship with someone else, getting pregnant, and ultimately, nearly being killed in a horrifying attack in Mexico. (By the person I'd just placed all my trust and faith in and made all these changes for in the first place.) My psychiatrist sat across from me reading off the list he'd made of all these aforementioned major life changes that have been known to push people to suicide
with only one of them happening. He said, "I am sitting here, looking at someone going through the highest stress causing life changes known to my profession. You're off the charts. I have never known anyone who was going through so many catastrophic events at once."
I asked him, because I was handling it all just fine, if he thought I was coping effectively with all of it or if I was repressing and saving up for a big breakdown or something. He just laughed and said, "No, I'd say you're coping, monumentally well. You're coping better with all of this than you were with the static state of things before all of these changes."
And it was true. I was coping frighteningly well. When I cope, it scares the shit out me. I don't ever expect to be able to cope with life's massive events, yet, I always do.
Granted, I have bit of residue from some things that have transpired that scarred me, somewhat. I now react a particular way to things that strike me as similar situations. But, overall, I have been through some very ugly stuff that I just dealt with and moved on.
I have always had the ability to move on.
But now, I am stuck.
I finally managed to get myself wedged into a spot that I can't get out of.
If I don't get help with getting un-stuck, I will decline.
Further.
Or, at least, that is my fear.
In reality, I will probably be just fine and get it all worked out. I'm just at a place in the path where I can't see that. I am actually off the path, which is the chief problem, anyway.
This is going to sound silly, but I put a great deal of stock in how humans are affected by variables in gravitational and magnetic forces. We experience changes from altitude, and I experience things differently at different latitudes and longitudes, as well as being aware of gravity and magnetism.
Most people don't put the coinciding aspects of occurrences together. Most people don't have access to the information on such things, and have never tracked these coinciding elements to determine that there were any perceptible details there to be considered.
I'm weird like that.
I started noticing that I would feel differently when I came near a broadcasting signal. We were working with scanners and it got to be a little "in" joke that I could find a signal before the scanner perceived it.
I would be driving along and just suddenly say, "GOT ONE!" and then a few seconds later, the scanner would bling and light up.
I never missed. I had 100% efficacy.
Of course, we couldn't rely on me to get the other details of the frequency. I couldn't tell how strong it was, I couldn't tell you what it was broadcasting, aside from the specific frequency. Like, I couldn't say what data was going across the broadcast, of course. And the software could. But, it was a cool little parlour trick, and it just further cements that I do have a verifiable sensitivity to
quirky little things like that.
I don't ever "sense" anything else, though.
Sometimes, I fail to sense or make any sense of, things going on right in my own square foot of personal space.
But, isn't it handy to be able to pick up a radio frequency?! I wonder when I will EVER f***ING NEED THAT SKILL AGAIN!!
I could have used something like, oh, I dunno, the ability to "sense" the freakin' lotto numbers when it rolls over week after week. Or, maybe even something practical like, "DON'T GO OUT WITH THIS GUY, EVER!!!"
Knowing when to leave and when to shut the hell up would have also been quite appreciated.
Yeah, I'm special, so special.
I'm special needs.
Life isn't really supposed to be this shitty.
But, life also isn't really supposed to be as utterly extraordinary as it has been for me, either.
No extreme highs without painfully low descents.
No gifts or talents without the counter-balancing subtractions and deficits.
Nature at least has a readable doctrine of signatures, a method to it's often seeming madness.
That will have to be enough, for now.
I guess I just get this adolescent level of "pissed off" because I honestly expected to get better at managing things mentally with practice and age.
The truth is, life is fraught with difficulties throughout it's entirety. The subjects may shift about, the circumstances will differ, but there is always a guaranteed struggle. Somewhere. In everything.
I shall release you.
If you're still reading, have my apologies and gratitude.
