I Still Do Feel So Horribly Lonely

I still do. I feel so lonely in this illness. I celebrated a nice Thanksgiving with my family but I couldn`t help feeling lonely even surrounded by family.The thing is I felt alone because my sisters all have their spouses and kids and I don`t have any of that. I know that I don`t need anybody to feel complete but I still feel so lost and alone. Maybe I was made to be alone. They say there`s a lid for every pot but it hasn`t happened for me. Maybe I`m just destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I think my illness has taken all this away from me. It`s already taken my possibilities and dreams. I really don`t expect to much from life anymore. Maybe I`ve given up. I`ve probably done this to myself. I never put myself out there because of fear of getting hurt .It`s my fault I guess. I`ve just never felt good enough for anybody. I`ve always figured nobody ever would want me because I`m defective . My brain is defective and nobody is going to love someone like that.

I`ve written that I`ve stopped my self harm and I have but sometimes I miss it.I know that`s a sick thing to say but I do. It used to be like a friend to me. When I was holding things inside and just needed a release it was there for me. When I was feeling just awful it was there for me. I miss that feeling of relief that it gave me. I think I`ve found some healthier alternatives to self harm though. Sometimes I just get lost in music and sometimes I write or draw. Writing seems to help get some of these things out of my head. Sometimes my mind races and I can`t concentrate and it`s hard to get anything out. My mind usually races at night when I`m trying to go to sleep. That`s why I hate the night now. I also hate the night because it`s when I feel the most alone. My psychiatrist even asked me if I was afraid of the night I said no but maybe sometimes I am.

I feel sad most of the time I think. Other times I feel empty or numb.Other times I feel irritated or impulsive. They say I am bipolar 2. And bipolar 2 people it has been said spend most of time on the depressive side of the picture. I have experienced hypomania though. And my doc says I am a rapid cycler. When I`ve experienced hypomania I have been told that I talk to fast and I`m impulsive. I`m usually a quiet person who doesn`t talk very much. I`m much more of a listener .The impulsive thing still gets me when I`m experiencing depression or emptiness. I try to do things to make me feel better and sometimes I do them without thinking about it.

They say this illness is a life long thing. I wonder if I will feel like this forever. I don`t ask much from life. I just want to feel happy someday.

Comments

Hey!

Good to hear you had a nice Thanksgiving. Feeling lonely around family / friends happens. I know it happens to me too.

I still think about self-harm. I think that's because it was part of my life for so long.

Have you ever tried a weighted blanket? They're expensive, but they can really help with stuff like PTSD and panic disorder, among other things. I recently bought one for myself and it already helps a lot.

From my perspective in Faerieland it looks like you've made a lot of progress in the past year. Only my opinion. You're getting into music and art and drawing more! Stuff like depressions and anxiety can be like entities we have relationships with, I think. I'm trying to improve my relationships with both along with other stuff. It feels like my health stuff is very much for the long haul, so I feel like I should... I almost wrote make the most of it. That sounds silly though. I guess to me it's about maximizing what I have and recognizing that it's there?

I hope you're sleeping! x
 
Hey S !

Thanks for your suggestions. I`ve also heard about weighted blankets and them being helpful for anxiety and other things. It`s something I`m seriously thinking about thank you for suggesting it. I am trying to do more drawing and I truly love music and those things help a little.Yes I agree with you we have to make the most of what we have. You are a wise person. Oh yes I am sleeping a little better with my evening cocktail of my bedtime meds. Thanks again for responding S. I hope things are truly going well for you !
: ) : )
 
I`ve just learnt that such a person as Morrissey exists. I have heard your last song : 'Spent the day in bed'. So Beautiful. Well, I have to apologize for my English, as I come from Poland and since many years have had no time to learn it. You`re a great artist, your views are close to mine. And I am a psychologist by the way. Maybe a psychoanalysis would help you. You probably tried it but I do believe in psychoterapy. Meds are not enough. I am very sorry to hear you are so depressed and lonely. Have you ever felt different? Have you had satysfying relationships in your life? Wishing you all the best. It`s all so sad you feel bad. People like you are so important, they are 'the salt of the earth'
 

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