I`m A Loser

I never thought my life would end up this way when I was growing up.Yet here I am.

I started to become ill in my twenties. I didn`t know what was happening to me at first. I thought I must be going crazy. Turns out it was all too true. I can`t tell you how scary it was. It was/still is awful to be inside my head. I could barely stand it some days .I didn`t really want to die but I didn`t want to go on like I was. I just wanted the pain and anxiety and fear to go away.

I didn`t go to a doctor until I was forced to.It wasn`t until my Mom heard me making myself sick that I was forced to go.That was another problem I had.Making myself sick after I ate. I haven`t done that in quite awhile. The self harm .... is another problem that started because of my illness. I guess I did because I`m not a very talkative person and I tend to keep things on the inside. I guess hurting myself was sort of a way to let those things out. It started out with me just scratching myself on the arms then progressed to me using broken glass,scissors,craft knives and then I would just use razor blades. I also used lighters and matches to burn myself. I told my psychiatrist about this.He told me I was self destructive and that maybe I should go to some place to get better. He also told me after trying a variety of meds that I should maybe try ECT. When he told me that I though to myself I must be really messed up.

I`m still here years later. I`m still taking meds and seeing a psychiatrist .That wanted me to do therapy. I tried it for the second time a couple of years ago I guess.I didn`t care for it. The depression was really beating down on me. I hated being in my skin and I just hated talking about. The place where I go to be treated just called me on Friday they want me to join their center for mentally ill people.I guess they have different kinds of things to do there. I really don`t want to go. Most of the time I don`t really like to even leave the house. I wake up and I can hardly get out of bed some days. I just want to crawl back in bed and stay there. I guess I keep trying because I wouldn`t want to hurt my family. I just keep trying though sometimes I just want to quit. I`m still here

Comments

Me too. Never lose hope that things can be different. I lost 12 years to depression. Never thought my life would be happy, productive and full of healthy relationships again. It took work to get here. But I am so grateful to be alive and thriving. I want this for you. If I had a magic pill, prayer, wish... I would give it to you. I wish I could pull you out of that dark well and you could join me in the sunshine. xoxo
 
Thanks so much for saying that. I hope one day things will be different. I`m happy that you are enjoying the sunshine.
 

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Tibby
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