I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn`t get back to sleep.So here I am at 2:40 in the morning.I`m tired but my thoughts won`t let me rest.
I had a nice day today.My sister and my nephew and cousin came over and we had a nice time visiting.I also kept myself busy today by doing a few things that needed to be done around the house.So I guess it was one of my better days.But then comes the night and it all starts to go downhill and I feel the depression come on stronger and the distressing thoughts won`t leave me alone.It feels worse at night....but in never really goes away it is always present.
I see everyone around me moving on with their lives and I feel so left behind.Both of my sisters have their own families and their own stuff and I just feel so lonely.I do have my family and I am very grateful for that.I just feel like a total failure at life.My life feels so empty and meaningless.I can`t help feeling numb and empty inside sometimes.I just feel like I have this big,empty spaces in my heart and soul.Nothing has filled them yet.I have no prospects or hopes for companionship anymore.I don`t really seek the company of other people in my life(I do spend time with my family and I do enjoy that).I haven`t tried making friends because I`m so afraid of being rejected.Me having really no friends is really all my fault.I guess it`s like the saying goes nothing ventured nothing gained.I`m to afraid of getting hurt.I guess it`s probably low self esteem too.I don`t feel good enough for anyone or anything.When I look in the mirror I don`t like what I see.All I see are all my flaws and everything that`s wrong with me and I think to myself how can anybody possibly like you?I tell myself you are nothing and you are a piece of sh!t.I used to have ways to get this out of my head and release it but I just can`t bring myself to do it anymore.I already have too many scars.Now I just feels like it just goes around and around in my head with no way release it.I just don`t want to have to physically hurt myself to release it anymore.I guess now I`m trying to use my words to release it.
Most of all though I can`t seem to find where I belong or what I`m meant to do.I just don`t feel like I belong anywhere.
I had a nice day today.My sister and my nephew and cousin came over and we had a nice time visiting.I also kept myself busy today by doing a few things that needed to be done around the house.So I guess it was one of my better days.But then comes the night and it all starts to go downhill and I feel the depression come on stronger and the distressing thoughts won`t leave me alone.It feels worse at night....but in never really goes away it is always present.
I see everyone around me moving on with their lives and I feel so left behind.Both of my sisters have their own families and their own stuff and I just feel so lonely.I do have my family and I am very grateful for that.I just feel like a total failure at life.My life feels so empty and meaningless.I can`t help feeling numb and empty inside sometimes.I just feel like I have this big,empty spaces in my heart and soul.Nothing has filled them yet.I have no prospects or hopes for companionship anymore.I don`t really seek the company of other people in my life(I do spend time with my family and I do enjoy that).I haven`t tried making friends because I`m so afraid of being rejected.Me having really no friends is really all my fault.I guess it`s like the saying goes nothing ventured nothing gained.I`m to afraid of getting hurt.I guess it`s probably low self esteem too.I don`t feel good enough for anyone or anything.When I look in the mirror I don`t like what I see.All I see are all my flaws and everything that`s wrong with me and I think to myself how can anybody possibly like you?I tell myself you are nothing and you are a piece of sh!t.I used to have ways to get this out of my head and release it but I just can`t bring myself to do it anymore.I already have too many scars.Now I just feels like it just goes around and around in my head with no way release it.I just don`t want to have to physically hurt myself to release it anymore.I guess now I`m trying to use my words to release it.
Most of all though I can`t seem to find where I belong or what I`m meant to do.I just don`t feel like I belong anywhere.
