I hate feeling empty and numb.The meds don`t seem to be doing much.It`s not that I`d think that they will ever instantly cure me.At least they seem to help the anxiety a little.I know I just said that I hate feeling empty and numb but feeling numb is sometimes good.It`s better than the alternative....despair and crushing depression.That`s where I am at the moment.It moves in-between them.
I try to do things so I won`t think too much.I work on little projects,I cook,I clean.Then the night comes and that is the worst part of the day for me.When I lay my head on pillow then my thoughts start to torment me.They tell me what a piece of sh!t loser I am.They make me worry about everything under the sun.I just lie there and wait for the nothingness to take over. Then I wake up and it starts all over again.I feel so incredibly lonely in this.I just feel so alone.
I usually don`t talk to anyone about how I really feel.The person I trust the most in this world is my Mother.But still I don`t talk to her about how I really feel because I don`t want to worry her.My psych wants me to start therapy again but I really don`t want to.The first therapist I went to I liked but I had to stop seeing him.The one my current psych had me seeing...... well I really didn`t feel that comfortable with her.Anyway I think therapy made me feel worse not better.I really don`t want to start that again.Another thing is that I`m really awkward around other people.I find it really difficult to chat with people I really don`t know that well.All that makes therapy hard for me.
I was just thinking that I used to have self harm to help me deal with all those things I can`t say out loud.I used it as a release to let all those things out.I used it to make me feel alive when I felt so numb.Now I feel like I`ve got nothing to turn to release everything that`s trapped up in my head.It`s all just trapped inside begging to be released.I don`t know what to do with it anymore.
I try to do things so I won`t think too much.I work on little projects,I cook,I clean.Then the night comes and that is the worst part of the day for me.When I lay my head on pillow then my thoughts start to torment me.They tell me what a piece of sh!t loser I am.They make me worry about everything under the sun.I just lie there and wait for the nothingness to take over. Then I wake up and it starts all over again.I feel so incredibly lonely in this.I just feel so alone.
I usually don`t talk to anyone about how I really feel.The person I trust the most in this world is my Mother.But still I don`t talk to her about how I really feel because I don`t want to worry her.My psych wants me to start therapy again but I really don`t want to.The first therapist I went to I liked but I had to stop seeing him.The one my current psych had me seeing...... well I really didn`t feel that comfortable with her.Anyway I think therapy made me feel worse not better.I really don`t want to start that again.Another thing is that I`m really awkward around other people.I find it really difficult to chat with people I really don`t know that well.All that makes therapy hard for me.
I was just thinking that I used to have self harm to help me deal with all those things I can`t say out loud.I used it as a release to let all those things out.I used it to make me feel alive when I felt so numb.Now I feel like I`ve got nothing to turn to release everything that`s trapped up in my head.It`s all just trapped inside begging to be released.I don`t know what to do with it anymore.
