Especially At Night

I think I`ve written before about my anxiety coming on when it gets dark outside. It used to be different with me. A couple of years or so I only used to sleep about every other night. I had/have really bad insomnia. Now I do sleep every night that`s if I take my meds. No meds means no sleep. Anyway I used to be a real night owl. But that changed when I had awful panic attacks hit me at night. I came to dread the night. I guess I still kind of do. I hate it when it gets dark in the evening.

I also used to hate going to bed. As I lay my head down to try to sleep that`s when all these awful thoughts would invade my brain. I couldn`t shut off my brain. It`s kind of like that during the day too my racing thoughts. I would just pray for the medication to kick in so I could get some sleep.

The night was also when I would self harm. I would wait until everyone was asleep so I wouldn`t be caught or interrupted. I knew it wasn`t a very healthy way to cope but at the time it was the only way I could release everything I was holding on to inside. It let me breathe for a little while. I know it`s difficult to understand why someone would do that to themselves. It was the only way I could express what I was feeling at the time. I really scared my family when they found out. After they found out my mother hid all the knives in the house. I felt really humiliated when she did that but I don`t blame her at all because she was just frightened that one day I would go to far. She was afraid I was suicidal. I`m not going to lie I did think about because I just wanted the pain and torment inside of my head to just end.

I don`t self harm anymore. I haven`t for a couple of years now. I still feel like I don`t have any way to release what`s going on inside of me. Maybe writing about it helps a little bit. I`m the kind of person that doesn`t want to talk about it. That`s probably why I hated therapy so much. I don`t like talking about it. I don`t know why that is. I`ve never been a talkative person. It`s sometimes difficult for me to make conversation with those I really don`t know. I guess I`m a pretty awkward person. I guess this and drawing a little bit are the only ways I can really express myself.

Anyway that`s why the night is a difficult time for me.

Comments

Hello, Tibby.

Do you remember me? I used to post a lot on here like twelve years ago. I still think of you and searched for your profile. I'm really glad you're still here.

My life is somewhat of a shipwreck too. I was diagnosed with Autism, suffered a lot of family problems and eventually took an overdose . . . which did not work, hence being able to write to you now. New medication is helping me a lot. And I have very important crocheting to do, so there's that.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone xXx
 
Hello Poppycocteau

I do remember you. Thank you for your kind words. I'm really glad you're here too:):). I'm sorry to hear of your troubles and I'm happy to hear that the medication is helping you.

Thank you again for your kind words and for letting me know I'm not alone.

All the best to you.

Tibbs
 

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