I, Anonymous (No Moz)

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more interesting anonymous "letters to the editor"

I, Anonymous The Tipping Point
To the hags who work at the coffee shop: Quit shaking your stupid tip jar at me every morning!!!! Do you think every person who works deserves tips? Especially after you f*** up my drink three days in a row? You probably make more money than I do, and you get those wonderful benefits that I see advertised in your parking lot. I don't get benefits of any kind, and I make minimum wage. My morning coffee is the ONLY item that I can afford to splurge on. And by the way, your coffee is way overpriced anyway. If your tips are that important, maybe you should ask your bosses to give you raises. But in the meantime quit your bitching, you ugly hags, and make my order right. Oh, and please get rid of that dude who looks like a lady. It's disturbing to see that early in the morning.—Anonymous

I, Anonymous Scaphism... Noted
To my former boss: Working for you was supposed to be enjoyable. I was going to make a positive impact within the community and was excited about the possibilities ahead. Already underpaid and stretched thin, you kicked me to the curb right before the holidays. Get the f*** over yourself... Ever hear of the medieval torture practice called scaphism? The victim—you—would be firmly fastened between two hollowed-out tree trunks (a kind of wooden capsule) with the head, hands, and feet protruding. He would then be forced to ingest milk and honey to the point of developing explosive diarrhea while more honey was rubbed on his body so as to attract a host of insects to the exposed appendages. The victim would then be left to float on a stagnant pond or simply exposed to the sun somewhere, while the diarrhea accumulated within the container, attracting more insects, which would eat and breed within the defenseless victim's exposed flesh. Septic tissue death, baby! Death by scaphism was painful, humiliating, and protracted—much like my tenure under you. Shove it up your ass.—Anonymous

I, Anonymous Identity Crisis
To the gay man who made out with me, your close female friend. What the f*** were you thinking? As if the female/male relationship isn't complicated enough. Did you ever think that all of the close moments we shared were because you are gay and there was zero chance of sex between us? Did you ever think about how I would feel when you kissed me, and then hesitated because of your sexuality? Do you think I give a shit about your sexual identity when you're feeling me up? You kissed me, felt my tits, and got me hot, only to stop and wonder what it would do to your f***ing image in the gay community. How cruel can you be? The next time you get confused and horny, and we're lying in bed together, just f*** me. Then in the morning you can go back to being gay and never talk to me again. At least then I'll be momentarily satisfied. Because when it's 4 am and your hand is down my pants and your lips are on mine, I could give two shits about community.—Anonymous

I, Anonymous We Insist You a Merry Christmas
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas! I am not saying, "Happy Holidays." Even though I'm not religious, Catholic, or Christian, I will still say MERRY CHRISTMAS. Why? Maybe I like the word! Get over it, you attention-seeking, victimized, mis-educated, hypocritical pieces of shit. I don't care if you celebrate Kwanzaa, or Hanukkah, or nothing at ALL this time of year. I say MERRY CHRISTMAS. If you are Jewish, then you can wish me a Happy Hanukkah, and I will smile. If you are from Africa, wish me a Happy Kwanzaa, and I will smile. I'm not going to jump down your throats for doing so just because I'm not a BLACK JEW! And if you want to talk about the Holiday Tree downtown, die. Please. Now. It's just a tree: deciduous foliage that remains green and functional through more than one growing season. To me, it's a Christmas Tree. To you it's something else. Don't chastise me for calling it a Christmas Tree. You keep the spirit of this time of year in your way, and keep the hell out of my life you over-sensitive, complaining casualty of political correctness. Merry Christmas and shove your Happy Holidays up your ass.—Anonymous




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