How do you and your Mother get on?

[Mad Vespa]

I had a new baby a few weeks ago, I called my 'estranged' mother and offered to bring him over to meet her, she wanted to 'think about the arrangements' .... she never called me back. Xmas Eve. Great parenting ...

 

[Cassius]

Re: How do you and your Mother get on ...?

I'm very sorry to hear that. If she doesn't want to be involved in your child's life then it is her loss. Congratulations on your new baby.

 

[Scarlet Ibis]

Re: How do you and your Mother get on ...?

Oh, that's so sad. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I never had my father in my life, so I know that missing parent feeling.

My mom moved in with us about five years ago. It's been kind of hard because we're very different people, but we love each other a lot so that helps. I envy people who get along with their moms really well though.

I hope this won't ruin your Christmas. :[

 

[Mad Vespa]

Re: How do you and your Mother get on ...?

Oh no no no - it doesn't ruin OUr Xmas, we won't let it. It's her loss - sad really. We're great - Santa' been and we can't wait for the morning

Merry Xmas to you all x x x

 

[MindlessRuffian]

Re: How do you and your Mother get on ...?

I'm sorry . That's terrible.

My mother and I...I don't even know where to begin. A lot of bad things I can never ever forgive her for...but we get along ok sometimes. Helps that she lives in Ohio.

 

[CrystalGeezer]

Re: How do you and your Mother get on ...?

I'm way too crabby with my mom sometimes and I regret that, but otherwise we get along okay. No huggy stuff or anything.

I'm sorry to hear your mom is being an ass.

 

[penfoldsfive]

Re: How do you and your Mother get on ...?

me and my mum dont get along. i suppose she always expected more of me

 

[Disappointed]

I'm very sorry to hear that. I have that kind of a relationship with my father, who lives several hundred miles away from me, and has ever since he left the family without warning about 8 years ago. In all that time, I think that I've seen him exactly three times--his choice. He e-mails me when he feels like it, and doesn't maintain contact when he doesn't feel like it. *shrugs*

As another poster said, it's your mother's choice. A very unfortunate choice, but there's very little that you can do about it. Does she really have no interest in being involved in her grandson's life?

I would advise you that, as your son gets older, encourage him to maintain as much as a relationship as he can with his grandmother (unless your mother has done something horrible and unforgivable, of course)--have him send her birthday and holiday cards and presents, pictures, letters, etc., and, even if she doesn't respond, have him send them anyway.

As for my relationship with my mom, it's great, though not exactly what I want it to be. I want to be closer to her than I am, but, unfortunately, her confidante is now her second husband. When he came into her life about 5 years ago, I was kinda shuttled to the wayside in some ways.

 

[Mad Vespa]

Good advice Disappointed, thank you. I keep her updated with both my children's progress, I also have a 6 year old who she doesn't bother with either - I'm just so angry for them - I always encourage my daughter if she wants to see her gran ,her Dad will take her ... she's never asked to go. She's very loyal, I think she understands even though I've never talked negatively in front of her.

Sometimes, just because your joined by family doesn't mean you have to perpetuate the relationship - if it's not good for you or your family - you can walk away.

I just found when things were really awful that to read and hear about other people's tough experiences, it really helped me to figure things out for myself. I also think that by raising the subject, it might help someone else.

 

[troubleluvsme]

I had a new baby a few weeks ago, I called my 'estranged' mother and offered to bring him over to meet her, she wanted to 'think about the arrangements' .... she never called me back. Xmas Eve. Great parenting ...

Wow...I'm really sorry to hear that.
It is her loss, and it's really unfortunate that she is going to miss out on something as important as another grandchild.

 

[Our Lady]

I seek replacements in amorous relations with girls who've a steady income - well sorted, dashing and daring, cruel and cryptic. They pay their TV license and think it reasonable to like both Zola and de Nerval. I do adore the silent treatment.

It's true, y'know.

 

[virtually dead]

Sometimes, just because your joined by family doesn't mean you have to perpetuate the relationship - if it's not good for you or your family - you can walk away.

I don't agree with sending cards etc regardless of any interest or response on her part. Maybe for a while but soon enough your child is going to recognise the rejection from someone who should love and care for them.

That's why I don't have any contact with my father. Until a couple of years ago we had a trickle of contact, on his terms, but I decided I didn't want anything at all from him. And now I don't and I'm more content in that decision.

But I don't have kids, so I couldn't really give you any good advice

 

[dailyalice]

Sometimes, just because your joined by family doesn't mean you have to perpetuate the relationship - if it's not good for you or your family - you can walk away.

My mother did unforgivable things. It's rare for me to run into someone who isn't shocked that I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 10 years. I decided that since every contact I had with her just caused me more pain, it wasn't worth putting myself through that. I have been happier since that decision. I don't have children, but my sister does, and she tells me of the bad interactions that her children have had with our mother (like leaving an autistic 4 yr old in the car while she goes to church.) I think that if I had kids, I would not include my mother simply to protect them from her.

 

[lainey]

My mother did unforgivable things. It's rare for me to run into someone who isn't shocked that I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 10 years. I decided that since every contact I had with her just caused me more pain, it wasn't worth putting myself through that. I have been happier since that decision. I don't have children, but my sister does, and she tells me of the bad interactions that her children have had with our mother (like leaving an autistic 4 yr old in the car while she goes to church.) I think that if I had kids, I would not include my mother simply to protect them from her.

I agree with you. your conscience is clear.
why do people forgive those who constantly bring them pain? They have no right to control or oppress you.

 

[kyleleonard]

me and both my parents get on fine, don't know what i'll do when they're not here

 

[lottie]

My mother did unforgivable things. It's rare for me to run into someone who isn't shocked that I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 10 years. I decided that since every contact I had with her just caused me more pain, it wasn't worth putting myself through that. I have been happier since that decision. I don't have children, but my sister does, and she tells me of the bad interactions that her children have had with our mother (like leaving an autistic 4 yr old in the car while she goes to church.) I think that if I had kids, I would not include my mother simply to protect them from her.

complete snap, you made the RIGHT decision my dear.

 

[MunchyBrain]

I get on with both my parents really, really well. Especially considering I'm a teenager.

 

[Cassius]

My mother did unforgivable things. It's rare for me to run into someone who isn't shocked that I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 10 years. I decided that since every contact I had with her just caused me more pain, it wasn't worth putting myself through that. I have been happier since that decision. I don't have children, but my sister does, and she tells me of the bad interactions that her children have had with our mother (like leaving an autistic 4 yr old in the car while she goes to church.) I think that if I had kids, I would not include my mother simply to protect them from her.

I did the same thing with my father. Even though he is dead now and I loved him and I miss him, I know I made the right decision.

 

[Disappointed]

Good advice Disappointed, thank you. I keep her updated with both my children's progress, I also have a 6 year old who she doesn't bother with either - I'm just so angry for them - I always encourage my daughter if she wants to see her gran ,her Dad will take her ... she's never asked to go. She's very loyal, I think she understands even though I've never talked negatively in front of her.

Sometimes, just because your joined by family doesn't mean you have to perpetuate the relationship - if it's not good for you or your family - you can walk away.

I just found when things were really awful that to read and hear about other people's tough experiences, it really helped me to figure things out for myself. I also think that by raising the subject, it might help someone else.

You're welcome, Mad Vespa.

Now that I think about it some more, I would like to amend my statement to agree with one of the other posters on this thread--if your mother is neglectful and/or abusive (like the poster's mother who left a 4-year-old in the car while she attended church), then, by all means, keep your children out of harm's way. Their safety and well-being is most important. If you think that their lives will be enriched by contact (even if one-sided) with their grandmother, then encourage them to keep in contact. If, on the other hand, you think that your mother will cause them pain (whether physical, emotional, or mental), then it's perfectly all right to cut off contact. There's nothing wrong, in my opinion, with doing that.

Since you said that it might help you, I'll tell you a bit more about my relationship with my father. He was a pure tyrant when I was growing up, and emotionally abusive to me, my younger brother, and my mother. When I became a teenager, I saw how unfair it all was, and tried to stand up to him as best I could, and protect my mother and brother. My father didn't like that, and, more often than not, we'd fight.

Finally, when I was 16 years old, he packed his bags and left. To be perfectly honest, it was a huge relief! For the first time in my life, I felt comfortable and free in my own home. My mother and I became closer than we had ever been before. It was wonderful.

A couple of years afterward, my father flew my brother and I out to visit him over Thanksgiving. The next time I saw him was my college graduation. The last time I saw him was my brother's college graduation.

I really don't know what I'm going to do about my father if and when I have children. I don't know how interested he will be in their lives, and how much he will want to be involved, I really don't.

Best of luck to you. This is a very hard situation, but you will get through it.

 

[This charming man.]

me and both my parents get on fine, don't know what i'll do when they're not here

Precisely the same for me. My mother is the love of my life, and I dread the day when they are both gone. Even the thought of it upsets me. They are both in their early to mid 70's.