Main
Study proves Smiths fans not getting any
Posted on Tue, Dec 29 1998
by David T. <[email protected]>
Who here has ever worn a fuzzy sweater? Thanks to Alexandrea and also Naehairont for the following article from D.A.M.N:

STUDY PROVES SMITHS FANS NOT GETTING ANY

A study conducted by anthropologists at the University of Michigan has revealed what many music listeners have long suspected: that teen fans of U.K. eighties band The Smiths have sexual intercourse about one-tenth as often as other teens. "It's not that they don't want to have sex," said Professor Marvin Mitchelson who led the study "It's more a case of their persistent melancholy and lack of self-esteem, which makes them completely unattractive to their peers."

The study reveals that while the average teen loses their virginity at or around the age of 16, and have varied sexual relations approximately 10-15 times a year, Smiths fans tend to retain their virginity until at least their second year of college, while those who are having sex do so an average of two or three times a year (but they cry through the whole experience). "These fans spend their time idolizing dead movie stars, sipping tea, wearing fuzzy sweaters and visiting poets' graves. They then go home, and they cry and they want to die," Mitchelson explains. "You can understand why their leader (Morrissey) claimed to be asexual."

Local 17 year-old Smiths fan Brian Orzaball said the study findings didn't really surprise him. "I was sort of seeing this girl Becky from the Drama Club for a little while," said Orzaball. "The thing is, she really needs to concentrate on her school and her poetry right now, and doesn't really have time for a relationship." Orzaball added that he "would really like to get some", but acknowledged that the prospects don't look good for at least the rest of the school year.

* 12/30 note: sorry, I should have mentioned that this is an 'absolutely UNTRUE' story as noted on the D.A.M.N page.

Comments / Notes



Is this a joke? I laughed, but it sounds somewhat true...
Scott <Wille>
Chicago - Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 10:15:22 (PST)



This study says nothing to me about my life.
Palare
- Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 10:23:54 (PST)



Yes, it *is* a joke. Check the other stories on the same page.
Thierry Mellon <[email protected]>
Quebec, Canada - Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 10:27:08 (PST)



man, that is so freakin funny. But you know, if it does apply at all to Smiths/Moz fans, it has to be the ones who actually DO wear fuzzy sweaters and reading glasses (you know who you are). I luuuv Moz just as much as the non-sex having, celery stalk eating fans do, but i got to get me some damnit!!! Sex-fiends, er I mean Shoplifters of the world unite!
jack
- Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 10:40:00 (PST)



I completely thought this was for real, although I was questioning the scientific meaning of this study. I was thinking about having a control group of normal non Smiths listening teenagers who were of course sexually happy... I was wondering where these people are. Is everyone else happy and we are doomed for lonliness? :) I am entirely joking... but I was really wondering.


Ellie <[email protected]>
USA - Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 10:43:58 (PST)



I must say that at first I thought this was real and I could see where they came from....I could get sex all the time(not bragging,its just true)
but the fact is moz makes me think that there are more important things in life then having sex....
oh yeah i hate sweaters,especially fuzzy ones...
kakarot

Kakarot <[email protected]>
- Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 11:36:29 (PST)



Needless to say, I am a Smiths/Morrissey fan; and I do own one cardigan...that must be my problem, the cardie, that's why I don't have sex. I thought the study was real and not a joke (I can relate to the results) I suppose that it's my love life that is THE joke.
Keep Smiling.

BEATNICK <[email protected]>
EMPTY BEDROOM - Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 12:49:43 (PST)



Reader meet Author...
Mud
- Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 13:19:34 (PST)



How in the world can this study infer the reasons for the lack of sexual activeness in Moz fans! This is a ludicrous inference that is trying to tell us that just because we listen to a certain kind of music it dictates the life that we lead. A better conclusion would have been that it takes an intelligent person to appreciate the depth of Morrissey's lyrics and that intelligent people tend to make intelligent decisions. Face it, it's not smart to be very sexally active at a young age. It's dangerous both physically and emotionally. Yeah to those people who figured their lives out well enough to appreciate good music and good choices!!
Karen <[email protected]>
- Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 13:49:39 (PST)



uh...yeah...it's also LUDICROUS to take such an article seriously. INTELLIGENT people also notice attempts at humor. We should not be so quick to take offense to the obvious stereotypes that we all fit into (whether we admit it or not).
jack
- Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 14:23:38 (PST)



There is more to life than sex, you know...
Gustaf <[email protected]>
Sweden - Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 15:04:53 (PST)



You got to admit that it is pretty funny.

I think that the joke has some foundation to it. Yet, I have to question the validity some of your rebuttals. Saying that you're getting some means nothing. Why do you have to brag?? That is just plain silly if you ask me.
Typical guys!!!

last night I dreamt that somebody loved me <anthropology69.com>
- Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 16:24:51 (PST)



Man, this study speaks volumes!
BOZ
- Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 16:26:15 (PST)



Just another case of mistaken identity. They actually meant people who watch Dr. Smith on Lost in Space.

Other than that, the fact that some of you aren't laughing at the article probably says more than the article itself.

Suzanne <[email protected]>
Live from my underwear drawer - Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 16:59:55 (PST)



if I had a dollar for every time I made love during "reel around the fountain".....
Troy's Keen <[email protected]>
northern california - Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 19:10:44 (PST)



What a silly study. So this is the kind of thing that they research at big colleges. Kind of makes you wonder who are next world leaders are. Although the facts speak for themselves...which seem to me awefully true!
Kevin <[email protected]>
- Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 19:58:37 (PST)



Don't have sex it implores you..so stretch out and wait..VivA MoRRiSSeY !!!
Crystal <Zentury00>
- Tue, Dec 29, 1998 at 23:11:53 (PST)



Last night I dreamt, that somebody loves me... no hope no harm, just another false alarm...
Jupp
Wuppertal, Germany - Wed, Dec 30, 1998 at 02:32:59 (PST)



Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me......and then I woke up in a Skin Storm!
kiss
- Wed, Dec 30, 1998 at 06:21:39 (PST)



MOST PEOPLE KEEP THEIR BRAINS BETWEEN THEIR LEGS
patrick
- Wed, Dec 30, 1998 at 06:23:32 (PST)



As interesting as this "study" may appear to be, the comments are the real entertainment. I find it ironic that no matter how diligently fellow Moz comrades avoid being branded by certain stereotypes, we often do share so many interesting similarities.

"I wish I had the charm to attract the one I love, but you see, I have got no charm..."

Seasick <[email protected]>
Atlanta - Wed, Dec 30, 1998 at 06:27:29 (PST)



That's odd. I didn't become a total whore until I started listening to The Smiths.
"You can pin and mount me......."


Mike <[email protected]>
USA - Wed, Dec 30, 1998 at 07:05:45 (PST)



This sounds really pathetic.
How can the average 10-15 times a year be so low ?
Has the study been done in a Jesuit university, or in a Convent ?

Olivier <[email protected]>
Paris, France - Wed, Dec 30, 1998 at 09:49:35 (PST)



Does anyone know how I can get a subscription to D.A.M.N. ??
dumbass
- Wed, Dec 30, 1998 at 12:57:06 (PST)



This joke isn't funny anymore...
info life
- Wed, Dec 30, 1998 at 15:03:09 (PST)



People, people, people,

I think this was a funny "article", and probably
somewhat true... Just don't forget that we are the last of the famous international playboys (/girls).

Don't sulk too much, and please don't lock yourself into your rooms and start writing poetry.

Henrik Rydéhn (AKA Mystic In A Tu-tu) <[email protected]>
Strangeways Prison, Manchester - Wed, Dec 30, 1998 at 15:33:54 (PST)



For me it´s simple. I am to intelligent to be happy! And by the way: I do belive that the more you give your love... and the more you give your trust... the more you´re bound to lose...
Sex without love is stupid... and since love obviously is impossible to get... without total humiliation... the answer could be... Celibacy..? What else can a poor, clever, scared young man do?
You can´t open yourself totally without getting destroyed... and yet... this is the dream...
If you saw me the way I really am -then you would rip me apart, throw me out of the window, spit on the sadly remains... So don´t talk to me now about people who have sex... I have spent my whole life in ruins because of people who have sex!
Peter Birro! Sweden!

birro <[email protected]>
gothenburg - Wed, Dec 30, 1998 at 15:34:53 (PST)



This really is International Year of the Wallybrain. Why do you even put this vile stuff on such a holy site?
graham harte <[email protected]>
- Wed, Dec 30, 1998 at 16:35:59 (PST)



Ha, ha. Such insight, really. But in our defense. . . The pleasure of love is in the loving of oneself. Therefore self-love is the greatest of all passions. We Smiths fans are happier in the passion we own than in the passion we share. When this and all else fails. . .
Morrisey loves us

YAZINSKY <[email protected]>
- Wed, Dec 30, 1998 at 17:47:23 (PST)



I was readind this and laughing knowing it was more then likely a joke... I then happened to look down and see that I was wearing a fuzzy sweater...
:)
Donna

Donna
- Wed, Dec 30, 1998 at 20:00:54 (PST)



Dear Birro, I completely agree with you. After living (who lives?) a nightmare for 26 years, 11 months and 2 days, I can only say "love" is just a miserable lie. Maybe for other people it can be real and something harmless, but not for me, in my opinion was a painful experience and something impossible to find nowadays. So, what’s the point in having sex with people you don’t even know or care about? I suppose that if you do something like this, you must change your Smiths´ records and start listening to Madonna. Then my friends, I have to admit that "all of the rumours keeping me grounded they weren’t completely unfounded". I have nothing to do with sex whatsoever.
Caleb Trask <[email protected]>
Buenos Aires, Argentina - Wed, Dec 30, 1998 at 20:17:35 (PST)



Ahh, man this was hilarious! But really, WTF with all the ANTI-SEX posts. I mean, I can understand disdain for the theory of "Love" as it is sooo obvious that there is no such absaloute. I love many people very differently and This crap that you'll know your in love when you see "Fireworks when you kiss" is ludicrous. Many people get married on this stupid premise and suffer the consequences soon after. Many people get married for practical reasons and find a partnership with calm love that has not much passion. Is one more valuable than the other?

But about Sex - Do it!! NOW!! I haven't had sex in a year and am dreading this... I wish I could have sex with every attractive woman I see. It would just be soo much fun. I mean, I have no such notions of "Love" when it comes to Sex and wish more people would feel the same. I mean damn... I know many many physically attractive women that I would LOVE to bone but wouldn't want to be their SOUL MATE, and I know many physically unattractive women that I Love more than I can say... I just can't have sex with 'em. Oh well..

"That's just the way it goes!"

Phrenzy
Here, Now - Wed, Dec 30, 1998 at 22:34:25 (PST)



Why should a university waste federal money just to prove a stereotype? I guess for my Phd I should do a dissertation on which ethnic race is "the best". I know some Mozfans that fit the description, but then again, it's just a stereotype. Some Mozfans [with all do respect] are whores.

Mani
South San Diego - Thu, Dec 31, 1998 at 00:08:32 (PST)



"Absolutely untrue"? I wouldn´t be too sure about that.
Harald Gehlen
Germany - Fri, Jan 01, 1999 at 05:14:33 (PST)



"I wanna start from before the beginning...". How can anyone say that? Even as a joke I do not find it funny. Sex is a great thing!!! I would think that we'd be more like whores. I know I am.." With my hands on my head I flop on your bed..."
Jose the Malajusted <[email protected]>
- Sat, Jan 02, 1999 at 01:01:04 (PST)



I wear fuzzy sweaters.... =\
==== <[email protected]>
==== - Sun, Jan 03, 1999 at 00:59:52 (PST)



You don't say... a joke? I would have never guessed this was a fake study until i saw the hip article above... playing for bankrupt livent... ha!ha!... playing at torn down exhibition stadium... ha!ha!.. please include links to such funny websites frequently....
maladjusted
- Sun, Jan 03, 1999 at 01:55:41 (PST)



(Un)Happy New Year, everyone. My name is Mike, and I'm the editor of the DAMN website that posted the "untrue" story about Smiths fans not getting any.

I just wanted to drop a message off here to say thanks to the people who originally picked up the story, and especially to all of you that responded in some capacity - - it's been entertaining watching the reactions vacillate (or is that oscillate?) between righteous indignation and acknowledgement that stereotypes can be mostly harmless when you're willing to look at yourself closely.

Please understand; the story was nothing more than my desire not to do my job on the last day before Christmas holidays, and was intended to bring a smile to a few people (I expected Smiths fans to find it funnier than those who don't care for the band or its fans...)

Someone alerted me to the presence of the post here on Morrissey-solo.com, so I thought I'd drop by and check out the response. I am a devoted Smiths fan, worked for Morrissey for two years at Mercury Records, and have a deep respect for those who love the music, but hey, I didn't get much action in university, and none in high school...I feel qualified to poke a little fun here and there, because I'm included among the targets.

All the best for 1999,

Mike McCann (cutmaster)
P.S. To the person who asked how to subscribe to D.A.M.N., just send me a reply ([email protected]) and I'll set you up, OK?

"I don't have much in my life
But take it - it's yours"

cutmaster <[email protected]>
Toronto, Canada - Sun, Jan 03, 1999 at 10:32:17 (PST)



the fact that any smiths fan would partake in this type of survey is a joke...its a conspiricy by all the furry furry lovey lovey say no more people in this world
smoke all my cigarettes <[email protected]>
- Sun, Jan 03, 1999 at 18:18:11 (PST)



It's true. Anyone interested in Hollywood??
Eddie Riff <Eddie [email protected]>
- Fri, Jan 15, 1999 at 14:13:59 (PST)





* return to Morrissey-solo